Breathe

Friday, November 11, 2011

I wanted to post this up on the last day of the year but I decided not to because I was too excited. LOL. I haven't written a proper post in a long time. Therefore, the excitement. Hahaha. Since today is 11/11/11, which other better day to post it up other than today? (And the last day of the year but I'm too excited HAHA) So here goes nothing.

2011 was a bumpy year for me, definitely. It was one big roller coaster ride. But hey, look, I'm still here, aren't I? I made it through this year. I survived. I wasn't living, I was surviving. Sorta. It was tough. I had my ups and downs. I've met new people. I've lost people. I've been happy. I've been sad. 2011 was full of roses, and also full of shit. But in the end, the year has to end, of course. And a new year will begin. Hopefully, a better year. 2012.

Starting out secondary three, new subjects and a new class definitely took some time to adjust to. But it was pretty easy, I guess. Most of my girlfs from secondary two moved up to the same class with me. Those who didn't, we definitely drifted. But of course we still are friends. Whenever we pass by each other in school, we'd say hi, give each other hugs and all. But I miss 2-5 2010 so much.

Things that made an impact in my life in 2011:

One:
3B2, the super pai class. Omg, super naughty I bth. Forever pon class, late for class and resulting in standing outside the classroom, which we don't, we sit down because we're cool, talk back to teacher, never do homework etc etc. Fucking love this class. Mr G was our form teacher for the first half of the year. I miss him. I'm sure the entire class misses him. He was so fun and he can click with the students well. He makes his lessons fun and interesting. I must say 3B2 is a damn lucky class to have gotten him as our form teacher. But with good stuff comes bad stuff. Our co-tutor, Miss Kok. Every end of a term, she will never fail to lecture us about academics, attire, attitude etc etc. But of course, I know she means well. She doesn't want to see us failing and everything. And who'd forget our favourite math teacher, Mr Francis Lee. Cheebye, talking to the whiteboard only. Everybody pon class he also don't give a shit. Changing our science teachers every term, getting cleanest class for consecutively FIVE weeks. Wow. Hahahaha, 3B2 is fucking awesome and I love you guys so much.

Two:
My 14-membered clique. A huge clique, right? Of course, we're awesome like that. Hahaha. We've been through so much together. We started off so strong, but now we're even stronger. We cried together, we laughed together. We had our clique talks and that made us even stronger. You all are so important and special to me. You guys are practically family to me. My sisters, and I know you guys will always be there for me. I know we'll always be there for each other. Although we had some conflicts here and there, we faced it together and I know we all love each other alot. You guys are one of the best things that happened to me this year. I will never forget anyone of you. We have to go our seperate ways sooner or later, but I will always remember you guys as the people who light up my life. The people who were always here, trying to cheer me up whenever I'm down.

Alfreda: we always have our h2hs during F&N lesson. You're my F&N buddy! You give great advice and I love that you trust me to tell me your problems too. I know that I can always go to you whenever I need someone to talk to and you will always be there. I love you, babe.

Cara: you are forever hitting me. That hurts :'( Hahaha. Cara, you are like my big sister. No kidding. You always, and I really mean ALWAYS, know whenever something is wrong. You just look at me and suddenly go "what's wrong?" like you can read my mind. It's freaky, you know. But thank you for always being there for me. I love you.

Michelle: I've known you since what, P5? We've been through loads together. Remember our quarrel in secondary one? Psh, so childish. Haha. You've matured alot and I've seen you grow alot since secondary one. And I'm proud of you babe. You too always lend me a listening ear whenever I need one. Thank you so much, I love you.

Huijuan: you are beautiful, love. I always see your tweets about you putting yourself down and it hurts me as much as it hurts you. I think you're amazing, so chin up and think positive. You are so strong, and I love you so much. Thank you for always being there for me in times of need.

Brandi: forest of hair and my 101 buddy! Ever since you shifted house, that is. Watching a horror movie with you is hilarious, I end up laughing at the people in it rather than screaming. Hahaha. You keep your chin up too alright? You are beautiful and I love you.

Valderee: my other 101 buddy! We just met this year and you are an amazing person. You are one of the kindest people I've met and I feel that you deserve more than what you're getting. I'm always here for you if you need someone, I love you.

Rachel: I love your sister. HAHA. Kidding. You are so tall and thin, I'm so jealous. You are so beautiful. I love how you have such a nice heart, always putting others first before you. But sometimes, you have to think about yourself too, okay? I'm here for you. I love you, Rachel.

Bob: heyyaaaa Bob! I met you this year and you're such a fun person to be around with. I remember how you used to carry me and swing me round and round... until I got fat and you couldn't lift me up anymore. Hahhahaa, kidding! I love you and I'm glad to have met you. :)

Celine: you are always here for me. Every time I cry in school, you'd give me a hug and ask me what's wrong. You always come to me when you have problems too. I'm glad you trust me enough to come crying to me. Still remember the times you followed me home just because you had time. Hahah. I love you.

Hannah: I will never forget the crazy times we had this year. Be it at the airport, at my house, your house, in bus 53, anywhere. You are a ball of fun and I love being around you. And of course, you were my partner for about a term? Sitting beside you during class was so much fun. Doodling on each others notes and stuff. I love you, Hannah.

Vanna: my tuition buddy! You were my super junior buddy in secondary one and two too, yknow. Haha! But we're both over the kpop phase, so. Going to tuition with you every week is so fun. Camwhoring every session and filling up my ipod's photo album with your face. Hahaha. I love you so much.

Jocelyn: you are an irritant, but I still love you so fucking much. With your super painful boob-squishing hug and you forever wanted to grab hold of my hand. Haha. And and and your version of the wooooo wooooo part of For The First Time! Hahaha. I love you Jocelyn, and you're special to me because we are the only two UG girls in our clique! Hahaha.

Leyun: our brother-in-law! Haha. I hope you don't feel like you're not part of the clique, because you are. I'm sure everyone else thinks that way too. You are a nice person and is really fun to be with. I still remember your cow song, and the one with Celine farting or something. Oh and the "I didn't walk under the rain, is the rain catch me!" Hahaha. I love you.

I sound like I'm going to die or something, but no. Hahaha. I just want to personalise a little message to my entire clique. I hope you guys will see this. I love you all so much.

The next point.. I wrote this much earlier in late October. But then something struck me.. and I guess I changed. I wanted to erase this entire portion, but I decided not to. This person was special. So, here it goes. My favourite mistake.
Three:
On 31 January, I met a beautiful, amazing person. This person was special to me and meant alot to me. I felt complete whenever I was with this person. I wished time would stop whenever I was with this person. I enjoyed this person's company even if we were just sitting there doing nothing. This person made my heart jump a billion times before. Just this person's presence alone made me feel safe, secure and.. happy.. I guess.

I believe I was there for this person whenever possible. Whenever this person had troubles or problems, I was always there to listen. I don't know whether this person knows or not, but I was always there. Waiting. I was waiting for this person to come to me whenever this person needs a listening ear. I was just standing there, waiting. And whenever this person came to me to rant or anything, I'd always try my best. I'd try my best to give advice or to comfort this person. It may not seem much, but I try. Though sometimes I do not know what to say because I suck at giving advice, I listen. I try to understand though it may not be possible, but like I said, I try. It always hurt me so bad whenever I see this person sad. It makes me sad too. I wish I could take away all the pain this person felt. But I never believed that I was enough to do so.

We had our ups and downs at times, definitely. This person brought me both laughter and pain. This person made me cry, and also made me smile. This person is probably one of the best thing that happened to me this year. But of course I had many difficult and painful moments in between, but hey, like I said, I'm still here right?

This person brought me many memories, be it good or bad. I remember on 18 March, we celebrated our birthdays although they weren't anywhere near March. On 27 May, we watched our first movie together. We had a mini wasabi eating competition, which resulted in me being in alot of pain(!!!) I would always look forward to the next time this person would call and talk to me on the phone. We'd talk for hours. Even when I was exhausted, I forced myself to stay awake just to listen to this person's voice. Just to spend time with this person even if this person wasn't physically next to me. I didn't mind sacrificing sleep for this person. Every time we text at night, I'd stay awake to wait for this person's reply and risk getting caught by my mum because I'm texting instead of sleeping. Just knowing that this person is taking time to do all these things with me makes me happy.

I could tell this person anything, my secrets, my troubles etc and receive comfort and advice in return. This person is also one of the most stubborn person in the world, which is annoying. If I could, I'd rewind time and undo all the mistakes I did if I ever hurt this person in any way. But in the end, I have no regrets meeting this person. I hope you didn't regret meeting me either. I know I can be a huge fuck up at times, but thank you for bearing with me all the time. Thank you for putting up with all the times I was being stupid, an embarrassment, or when I was just being annoying. I'm sorry, I know I can be difficult at times, but thank you for loving me. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for being my friend.

This person once told me to let go. But I couldn't. It was so difficult. But now I've moved on. I still wish this person happiness. I wish all the sadness in the world could disappear from this person's life. I wish this person could smile and really mean it. I wish this person would realise how beautiful this person really is. Afterall, this person was once my miracle.

Oh, believe me, I loved you.

Four:
I started this year as a strong, confident girl. I think. Maybe. Or not.. I can't really remember the last time I was happy. Truly, truly happy. I can't remember the last time I was confident about myself. I can't remember the last time I had hope. I can't remember the last time I didn't give a shit about anything. How did I get here? Why am I still here? How did I even last this long? I don't even recognise the person staring back at me in the mirror anymore. All I see is a stranger. A sad, lonely, broken stranger. It was difficult. Being me is difficult. Pretending to be happy when all you want to do is break is difficult. Smiling is getting harder and harder everyday. Living through the same shit every day of every week is difficult. Having to face the demons in your head is difficult. Looking at the mirror and wanting to take a table to smash it to pieces is difficult. Life is difficult. But nobody said life would be easy. But also, nobody said life would be this difficult. But hey, I put through with everything that happened this year. Of course I broke. I broke many times. I lost hope. I had no hope. Everything came crashing down on me. I didn't believe in anything anymore. After all these, I'm still here. Hopefully, maybe, just maybe, things will, things MIGHT get better next year. Maybe? Hope. Just hope. That's all you can do. Hope. But hope... sometimes can lead in disappointment. So let's just see. Let's just see how far I can bend before I break, shall we? Because life doesn't stop for anyone. We cannot control what happens, but we can control how we feel. How we think. How we want to take it. So let's just go with the flow and see how much crap I can withstand.

As I lie here typing this, time is passing. Time flies. The year 2011 is coming to an end. 2012 is starting soon. A new year. A brand new beginning. It's time to put away your past, your hate, your guilt, your regrets, your sadness, everything. Put everything that happened in 2011, or even the past years. Put them all away. Because if you bring it along with you to the year 2012, I'm telling you, 2012 is going to suck. So just start over, this is a chance to start over. Take it. Take whatever chances you have for they might not appear again.

For me, I will be taking my O Levels. It's going to be a struggle, judging from what a dumbfuck I am. But everyone has to go through major exams. I won't be struggling alone. I know I have my friends to support me. I'm sure that they are more than willing to help me in my studies.

With this, all I have to say is: 2012, here I come. Let's hope I make it through the year.

xoxo, MICAELA ♥ 1:45 AM